Friday, December 12, 2008

Gadgets that make you look like a jerk

I would love to take credit for this story but, even though I have thought of most of the words in this story, I have not written them myself.
This is from MessNBC and it is really funny.
Do you agree or disagree?

Some fairly common gizmos you might just look cooler without:


Hey buddy, ya' got something stuck in your ear.

On the upside, a Bluetooth headset is a hands-free wireless earpiece for your phone. On the downside, you risk looking like either a crazy person or a self-important ponce.

If you're wearing a suit and tie, you might avoid looking crazy, but only by appearing to be the kind of jerk who utters nonsense like "leverage" and "monetize" without a hint of irony.

And P.S., you're shouting. When you walk around blaring away on your Bluetooth, everyone else has to listen. Do you mind? People are trying not to hear about your life over here!

Cool if: You're using it in private spaces like your car or desk.

Not cool if: You're using it where you look like a je
rk, which is everywhere else.


Most people get a BlackBerry (or "CrackBerry") for work so they no longer have to talk to their loved ones. They're like the work version of the iPhone, and that's what makes them tough to deal with.

Look, we don't come to your office and pretend it's the bar. It's awesome that you can take your important work with you everywhere, but the converse is that you're taking us with you to your office against our will. And ya know ... we're not paid for that.

If you must check e-mail while you're out with your friends, for the love of God, buy a round, make your apologies and sod off to the corner. Don't make friends feel guilty for putting social lives ahead of an 80-hour work week. Oh and what is it you do anyway? Ruin mortgage lending for the rest of us? Get over yourself.

Cool if: You're a world-traveling MBA

Not cool if: Listen, we've all talked, and there's a reason we're playing "Cat's in the Cradle" every time you call us. This is an intervention.


This is really only a problem if you must go on and on and on about it. And we know you must.

TiVo undoubtedly improves your ability to watch TV. It liberates you from the tyranny of network schedules. It lets you rewind live TV. It eve
n goes out and finds new shows you'll like. So, go on with your bad self and enjoy your TV-watching, but for God's sake, please stop yapping about it in everyone's ears.

Here's why: It's TV. Which is to say, it's just not that
important. It's not a hobby, it's not self-improving and it's not going to cure cancer. Practice won't make you better at it, and no matter how good your gadgets, the difference between seeing who's dancing with the stars now and you know, not, is ... hold on ... carry the one ... oh look at that: Not a big deal at all.

Cool if: You enjoy it quietly at home.

Not cool if: You talk about it like it's the product of successful stem-cell research.

iPod accessories

Okay, we get it. You're hip.

Now plug your stinking iPod into your old stereo like everyone else. Buying molded white plastic schlock isn't going to hip up your dorm room or o
ffice. And while you're at it, stop listening to Mars Volta. It's over. We're onto you.

Moreover, is it the headphones themselves or the iPod owners who ensure that one headphone bud is always dangling outside of its intended ear?

Non-iPod-owning mass transit riders asked that this message be passed along: "People who leave one headphone dangling should put their heads between the closing doors."

Cool if: You own stock in Apple.

Not cool if: You don't.

Linux is great. It's a free, open-source operating system (OS) based on work done by Linus Torvalds in the early '90s. Again, it's free, powerful and easy to ...

Oh wait, it's a pain to use. Let's get this straight: Linux is very good, and leads the charge in an ongoing revolution in free software. However, a lot of Linux users out there give the whole thing a poor name. They forget that most people don't know as much as they do about computers. Some people garden, write poetry, fall in love or ... er, bloviate about gadgetry.

Please don't confuse your fanaticism with superiority and, for the love of Jobs, stop telling us we're sheep under the sway of Microsoft. No one likes Comcast either, but until it's convenient to string our own fiber optic cable we're sticking with it. ( is a Microsoft-NBC Universal joint venture.)

Cool if: You're not heaping disdain on the rest of us, or maybe if you're in charge of a server farm.

Not cool if: You feel your mastery of computers excuses your inability to control a neck-beard

This writer is really funny. He or she did a great job of summing these all up. I especially DETEST those stupid Bluetooths! I get it if your in your car, or somewhere privacy or safety is concerned, but walking around WalMart, NO! If you're walking around WalMart with a bluetooth on and talking into it, YOU ARE NOT IMPRESSING ANYONE, STOP!!


Anonymous said...

whats wrong with mars volta?

Bill's Waste of Air said...

Heck I don't even know what Mars Volta is. Remember I said, I didn't write the story, I just wished I had.
Not all of it do I understand though.
Isn't Mars Volta a candy bar?

kozmcrae said...

Linux users give Linux a bad name? Not really. It's X-Windows users who give Linux a "bad name".

Bill's Waste of Air said...

Now this is another case of not really sure about this stuff, but I do know that every single Linux user I have met looks like that Linus dude.
Kinda dorky. No offense.

kozmcrae said...

"Now this is another case of not really sure about this stuff, but I do know that every single Linux user I have met looks like that Linus dude."

Actually you're right. You are seeing evolution working before your very eyes. Linux users represent the next stage in Human evolution. The ones who don't look like Linus represent the new day Neanderthals.

The Blunt Matt said...

Mars Volta is a band. One of those EMO bands, if you will. They are the result of At The Drive Inn breaking up and becoming the Mars Volta and Sparta. I personally cannot stand the style since it sounds like some pre-pubescent boys singing in a rather high pitched tone and whining about how there aren't any good thrift stores or independent coffee shops in their overly-affluent suburb of Chicago.

Why do I know this?